Plain Jase

One of the many things I love about myself is the sublime power to gaslight myself into gaslighting myself.

The delicate art of sabotaging your own brain comes from loss along the way; where friendships disappear, the absence of Saturday night company, the rejection from society because you don’t repeat last nights talking points from the flat screen social conditioning machine.

The constant repetition, the put downs and the snide remarks don’t come from a scorned lover or a past enemies lips, but rather from the training you had from those sources before you committed to celibacy. Your training was complete; the past remnants haunting your future possibilities, and where only dedication to refocusing on your own needs becomes the priority.

So you live positively, cut out alcohol, sugar, vices and behaviours and while these things make great change, you start to see the facade of where doing good doesn’t outweigh the outside bad. Even positive living, thinking and breathing doesn’t allow for pain in those moments where you stand your ground, and lose the things you thought could never be lost.

I don’t know if it’s me, or a shared wider feeling for others too, however since my surgery last year, I haven’t felt the same. Nothing is as it was meant to be. Maybe its this timeline, or maybe approaching a milestone birthday knowing I’ll spend it solo - either way, I am everywhere but nowhere near happiness or fulfilment.

My past mistakes meant I didn’t get my ass into gear properly until later in life. Caught in a corporate machine that blocked my dreams and crushed them until they were nothing but particles of dust floating away.

Yet somehow I freed myself from the Matrix and changed the course of my existence. I focused, got my ass into gear and did what I said was going to. Poetry flowed from the music surrounding, and through finding other likeminded souls who shared my passion to create.

There are still glimpses into the system that appear in dreams, breaking the barrier from reality to simulation - giving me hope that there is something more powerful controlling the strings.

Back here on our beautiful planet (is it flat or round), I am here refocusing on my next goal of performance while reeling in the loss of more familiarity. I resist to get close to people for fear they will also hurt me, yet deep down know that my own abstinence takes me further away from exactly that being what I need.

Yet, tiredness comes when other energy fades and new energy replaces. Or is that my thyroid playing tricks on my aging body? Am I really an Empath? I only seem to find out later when more information arrives. Like writing lyrics for a song while channeling the composer, I referenced incidental life moments through words and phrase yet the overall subject matter also applied to them but only revealed today, 6 months later.

What is Time? Why do we care so much, yet animals live carefree of this concept? For a cat watching you drive away from the window, their loss is instant while we drive off towards our destination. When we return, they lavish affection like the very first time while we know it took longer returning home due to being blocked up in traffic.

Little idiosyncrasies of daily living that edges us close to death, so unwilling. So to realise the time has slipped all too quickly, you’ve saved your soul early while others continue to drift. Use the time you can, don’t gaslight and always be true because this life is forever and it has its own rules.

Life the ironic words from late author Eric Jerome Dickey:

‘Early is On Time

On Time is LateLate is Unacceptable’

I guess I’m just late - better late than never.

Jase