Viso Gero

Life has been unrelenting these past two years since being diagnosed with cancer, losing ‘friends’, my career, my savings, and my sanity.

While I have experienced depression and anxiety at times in the past, this period of life has been consistently unforgiving and isolating - especially after finding out that my type of cancer and treatment sees a 20% increased risk of depression and 40% increased risk of ‘suey-side’. Great. Also, very accurate description of me right now.

Sending over 100 job applications in the past two years and barely getting a response or even considered is humiliating. I am an award-winning Multimedia Instructional Designer, and Audio Engineer with decades of experience, but that doesn't seem to count for much anymore.

After graduating in 2024 with my 4th degree (a Bachelor of Audio from SAE) with an almost perfect 6.94 GPA (out of 7), I have been rejected for opportunities from these very same people for exactly the types of jobs they qualified me for. A massive slap in the face and makes me realise what a waste of time and money that degree was.

I should have listened to my audio lecturer who told me during official recorded feedback that 'You'll never get a job in a recording studio - you're too old'. He was giving me a warning that I should have heeded then. While it stung, the Doctor was right. And the joys of placed into debt for the first time in over 15 years and not being able to find work is a daily nightmare.

Socially, I can't go out because I don't have the funds for it. I am struggling to put food in my cats stomach or fuel in my car. Thank God for my Dad, allowing me to live under his roof right now, but with him starting chemo again last week, I am desperate to work so he doesn't need to worry about this for the next six months. My days are spent mostly alone at home. I go out to the supermarket once a week.

To keep myself busy, I generally start my day looking for work, and then pour my heart into music and poetry.

Music that gets released and never heard. Lyrics that screamed how I was feeling.

Poetry on the socials that spelled out how I am teetering on the edge of life and death.

I get more of a response from strangers than I do people who call themselves 'friends'. Infact, the closest people in my life live overseas. That's so hard in itself. Sometimes we just need face-to-face interaction.

I’ve tried to reach out to people but natural conversation steers away from me speaking my truth. It feels like no one cares and even if they do, that feeling will be gone once the next dopamine draining post has been swiped to.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago and thought people who claim to be close to me would have at least acknowledged it. The silence was deafening. People reach out when they need something but don't care that I exist? To the two friends who did care - thank you. I am so grateful to have made these memories with you.

And this isnt about getting gifts - I dont need presents, I just need to be recognised. I need real human connections.

With time being the only currency of value, where has all the time gone?

Is this is male experience of the 21st Century? Is this what the next 50 years will look like?

Ultimately, I am tired of muting myself for the comfort of others and I have nothing to lose in posting this. In the future no one will have recourse to say ‘but I didn’t know it was that bad’ because it's literally here in black and white.

So here goes:

I am not OK.

I am done pretending.

I am done being nice on the outside while screaming inside.

For so long I told myself, "Chin up, Jase. Keep going, Jase. Stay focused, Jase. Kia Kaha, Jase. Things will change soon.”

Even when my mind was heavy.

Even when my soul felt tired.

I have been betrayed.

I have grieved for what feels like an eternity.

I have fought battles I should never have had to fight.

I have stood on the edge of insanity coping with throat cancer.

I have learned that most 'friends' in my life were built on their lies.

I have stood on the edge of rage.

I have wanted to break myself in two.

I have pushed my body far beyond its limits.

I have numbed my pain with self-sabotage, and escapism in online worlds.

I have lived the past two years what others take a lifetime to face.

I worked tirelessly to become a better version of myself, only to feel the world push me down from the very peak I had climbed.

And when my pain was visible, everyone ignored it.

And when I wanted to talk, people ignored me.

Still, I tried to lift others.

Still, I spoke the truths I believe in:

“That no matter what life deals you, you will get through it.

That these days will pass.

That time will heal.”

Now, it is my turn to live by my own words.

My turn to take my own medicine.

So I am stepping back. From everything.

I am choosing to fall back in love with who I am.

I may even vanish into the jungle again and again and again until I finally get to where I need to be.

This will not be forced or rushed. It is not for performance, nor for applause.

It is so you all don’t get the news I chose to swing from the ceiling with a rope,

or found spread out at the bottom of a high rise building,

or dot painted the walls red from the serrated edges of a Wiltshire.

It is for me - my sanity.

This is my own journey.

Because I still want to live.

You don’t get to judge; you only get to support.

I will return when my spirit is ready.

For now, that’s all anyone can expect of me. Because it’s all I can give.

So, until we meet again - be blessed and always live life lovingly x